So, my vacation is starting to come to a close. And I'm looking at what I expected from this vacation, and what I actually got.
I expected that I would, maybe not get laid, but find someone here who might be a friend who I could share attraction with. And maybe have a brief fling. I did kiss one of my friends, but it's normal for her and I to kiss. We're close, and the kissing really doesn't mean much. I kiss a few of my female friends on the cheeks when I see or leave them, this one I kiss on either the cheek or the lips. It's not a romantic kiss though, it's kind of like an italian kiss I suppose because it's more friendly than anything else. Anyway, getting off topic here aren't I? I expected to maybe cuddle with a specific friend and to admit some feelings for her. That didn't happen, because even though I saw her twice... maybe three times, it was always with a group. And since she invited people to events that we had planned on doing. I'm taking her hint that she just wants to be friends who tell each other they love each other and act like boyfriend girlfirend without the actual physical affection and only the virtual. It's just fake. I'm not a fake person, most of the time, and I don't especially enjoy fake. I do put on my smile for a good amount of the day, and I tend to shrug off my insecurities and sweep all my problems under an apathetic bed. I don't want a fake relationship, and I don't want a fake love, because after pretending for so long, it starts to feel like it might actually be something. I'm tired of that illusion. ... cough. I expected to see lots of friends and catch up on old times. That kind of happened, with one of my friends. The weird thing is, it was a friend who I am close with, but she was the only one who actually gave a damn to ask about me. Most of my conversations go something like this:
Hi, hi, how are you, and then they go on for a while, when they stop, they don't ask about me, so I further the conversation by asking them how their lives are going. And then the topic is them, them, them. I wish that for once or twice, maybe I could be the topic.
I think I'm mainly annoyed at the level of drama that occured while I was home. As noted by my previous rather depressing blogpost, my friend screwed up his relationship with his girl, and happened to do it with the girl who I was falling for. It's the reason I took a walk yesterday. Loaded the playlist I talked about onto my mp3 player and went for a walk in the crappy overcast weather. It was good, I got a good amount of thinking done. I was trying to figure out if I actually really like the girl enough to go for it, or if I'm more attracted to her as a friend. I didn't really figure too much out. But, I do think I'm attracted to her based on our common fuck ups. A'la she has baggage. Much in the same way I do. She still thinks about her big ex, and mentions him a lot. He was a big part of her life, so its no wonder a lot of things still remind her of him. And I think I like that about her, because I feel the same way about my ex from a long time ago. Everything still reminds me of her. Maybe that's why coming back home is kind of painful sometimes.
I expected more from my vacation, maybe some sunshine. I know I can't control the weather, but I've seen the sun once this entire week. It's frustrating when you want to go out and do fun things with friends, but they dont want to because the weather is shitty. It's rather annoyying and difficult.
I guess, when it comes down to it, I am looking forward to go back to VT, when I've talked to people over SMS, I've had to erase a part of a text that said: I only have x days before I go back home, multiple times, I guess I consider VT more home than this place to some extent. Maybe it's just nice to have a freshstart and not have all the people who already know you and stuff. Start new, find someone new, who hopefully wont fuck up my mind like my ex did.
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